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Old 01-07-2017, 08:00 AM   #1
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Default Pun War

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

*****

What do you call a pickle that can draw pictures?
A dillustrator.

*****

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan

*****

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

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The portrait fell down from the wall,
And struck the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" was just about all,
The rueful punster said.

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Did you hear about the new hotel with the haunted ghostly theme?
THey call it the Dead Inn.

*****

A man walks into a bar. Thud. Ouch.

*****

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


OK guys... top that.
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Old 01-08-2017, 12:00 AM   #2
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.




Only a fraction of the population will understand.
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Old 01-08-2017, 09:02 AM   #3
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Two ladies of the night walk into the Philosopher's Bar and sit down. The bartender sets in front of them a place mat that says Cogito, ergo sum and asks what they think of it. They reply that in their profession it's best not to think. Immediately they vanish.

The bartender bursts into tears. Oh, no! I shouldn't have put Descartes before the whores.
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Old 01-11-2017, 01:04 AM   #4
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The local preacher hired a painter to paint his house. The job looked good when completed, but after a couple of weeks the new paint began to fade and peel.

The preacher had the painter come out and inspect the house, and the painter was apologetic. "I tried too hard to save money on the job to maximize my profit," he confessed. "I put way too much thinner in the paint. I'd like to make it right. What can I do?"

The preacher thought a bit, recalled John 8:11, and said, "Go, my son, and repaint, and thin no more."
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Old 01-11-2017, 06:16 PM   #5
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Quote:
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"Go, my son, and repaint, and thin no more."
Now that's fit for Sunday School
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Old 01-11-2017, 06:46 PM   #6
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A famous scientist required a laboratory assistant. He ran ads in the paper and on the internet. He reviewed thousands of resumes and conducted hundreds or interviews. But no suitable assistant could be found.

"What I need," he mused, "is another me."

So he cloned himself. This worked out well and the two got a lot of work done. There was just one problem. The clone was a dirty minded foul mouth.

This created friction in the lab and embarrassed the great scientist in social situations. After some time, he decided to do away with the clone.

So he tricked the clone into visiting the Empire State Building. They visited the Observation Deck. The scientist snuck up on the clone and shoved him over the side.

The clone screamed vulgarities all the way down.

When the police arrived, they arrested the great scientist. "Why are you arresting me? I have harmed no one, it's only a clone, and it's my own clone at that."

The detective replied, "The charge isn't murder. You are charged with Making an Obscene Clone Fall"
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Old 03-14-2017, 05:26 PM   #7
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Tried to make reservations at the library for tonight. Couldn't get in.

They were booked.
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Old 03-16-2017, 09:52 AM   #8
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“Count Dracula the invisible man is here to see you” "Please tell him I can not see him".
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Old 03-22-2017, 06:39 PM   #9
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Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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Old 03-22-2017, 07:05 PM   #10
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Two ships collided in the harbor one was carrying blue paint the other red no one was hurt but the crew was marroned.
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Old 03-22-2017, 07:49 PM   #11
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Two ships collided in the harbor. One was carrying blue paint, the other red. No one was hurt, but the crew was marroned.
Marooned?
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Old 03-23-2017, 07:29 PM   #12
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Marooned?
Moronned.

Spell checker doesn't think that's a real word.
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Old 03-24-2017, 07:57 AM   #13
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Marooned?
OK.
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:31 PM   #14
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Last night I was abducted by space aliens.

The made me sit up straight, eat all my vegetables, wash behind my ears, pick my socks up off the floor and go to bed early.

I'm pretty sure I was aboard the mother ship.
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Old 10-11-2017, 07:46 AM   #15
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THE ORIGIN OF DISAPPEARING INK

Alexander the Great communicated by couriers carrying written messages. These were often delayed by camp followers who accompanied his armies. Alexander applied to his advisors for a method of knowing whether a courier had dallied. Eventually one invented disappearing ink, and was able to formulate it for varying delay times. “Keep the formulas secret,” he said. “Dip a rag in the ink and tie it around the courier’s wrist. If the journey ought to take five hours, use six-hour ink. If it fades before the courier arrives, he has dallied. Behead him. If it never fades, he has switched for another rag. Behead him. In this way you can enforce promptness.”

This solved Alexander’s problem, and became known world-wide, one of the most famous inventions in history. Nearly everyone has heard of Alexander’s rag time-band.
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Old 10-11-2017, 01:27 PM   #16
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In a far time, many products of the soil evolved to develop sentience, mobility, language, and an essentially Hellenistic civilization. At length a demagogue, orphan of a relative of the rhododendron, came to power in one city-state and made desolating incursions upon neighbors. Being threatened, the leaders of one neighbor applied to a seer for advice. "Alas," the seer answered, "you may as well submit. No one can resist the waif of the fuchsia."
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Old 10-22-2017, 05:00 PM   #17
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There was a fire at Ringling Brothers it was in tents.
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