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The Funnies What ever makes you laugh, provided we maintain a PG-13 standard.



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  #1  
Unread 01-07-2017, 09:00 AM
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Default Pun War

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

*****

What do you call a pickle that can draw pictures?
A dillustrator.

*****

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan

*****

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

*****

The portrait fell down from the wall,
And struck the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" was just about all,
The rueful punster said.

*****

Did you hear about the new hotel with the haunted ghostly theme?
THey call it the Dead Inn.

*****

A man walks into a bar. Thud. Ouch.

*****

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


OK guys... top that.
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  #2  
Unread 01-08-2017, 01:00 AM
coupevillefish coupevillefish is offline
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Default

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.




Only a fraction of the population will understand.
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  #3  
Unread 01-08-2017, 10:02 AM
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Two ladies of the night walk into the Philosopher's Bar and sit down. The bartender sets in front of them a place mat that says Cogito, ergo sum and asks what they think of it. They reply that in their profession it's best not to think. Immediately they vanish.

The bartender bursts into tears. Oh, no! I shouldn't have put Descartes before the whores.
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  #4  
Unread 01-11-2017, 02:04 AM
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The local preacher hired a painter to paint his house. The job looked good when completed, but after a couple of weeks the new paint began to fade and peel.

The preacher had the painter come out and inspect the house, and the painter was apologetic. "I tried too hard to save money on the job to maximize my profit," he confessed. "I put way too much thinner in the paint. I'd like to make it right. What can I do?"

The preacher thought a bit, recalled John 8:11, and said, "Go, my son, and repaint, and thin no more."
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Unread 01-11-2017, 07:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NN5I View Post
"Go, my son, and repaint, and thin no more."
Now that's fit for Sunday School
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Unread 01-11-2017, 07:46 PM
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A famous scientist required a laboratory assistant. He ran ads in the paper and on the internet. He reviewed thousands of resumes and conducted hundreds or interviews. But no suitable assistant could be found.

"What I need," he mused, "is another me."

So he cloned himself. This worked out well and the two got a lot of work done. There was just one problem. The clone was a dirty minded foul mouth.

This created friction in the lab and embarrassed the great scientist in social situations. After some time, he decided to do away with the clone.

So he tricked the clone into visiting the Empire State Building. They visited the Observation Deck. The scientist snuck up on the clone and shoved him over the side.

The clone screamed vulgarities all the way down.

When the police arrived, they arrested the great scientist. "Why are you arresting me? I have harmed no one, it's only a clone, and it's my own clone at that."

The detective replied, "The charge isn't murder. You are charged with Making an Obscene Clone Fall"
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